Polyamory: Probably Not as Sexy as it Sounds

Salon from Monday:  My Two Husbands by Angi Becker Stevens

Why is it that every polyamorous union I see in the media looks like this?



My ranking of their smiles by measure of real feeling, from left to right: Boyfriend, 2; Wife, 1; Husband, 3.

Why is the husband the least pleased here?

I married my husband and remained in a monogamous relationship with him for many years. I knew I wanted to be with him for the long haul. But I was never entirely fulfilled. I couldn’t shake the feeling that some part of me was repressed.---One night, I sat down with my husband and spilled everything. I told him that being polyamorous was a part of who I am, and I asked if he would at least do some research and give it serious consideration before dismissing the idea. He understood that I never would have asked this if it hadn’t been extremely important.

Perhaps he's less happy because a brave act of boundary-crossing was imposed on him. Because his wife decided to change their philosophy at the behest of a smooth talkin' libertine.

 When I learned about polyamorous relationships, I knew that’s what I wanted. My husband wasn’t so sure, though. It sounded fine for other people, but just not him. And it still seemed unrealistic to me, so I never pressed the issue.

When I returned to school to finish my bachelor’s degree in my late 20s, I became friends with a man who changed my mind about all that. He believed in polyamory, too, and we had long conversations about it together: how it could work, how it was truly possible.

I bet her husband has spent some time thinking about how he supported her desire to go back to school.

But philosophy takes time to set in. Her husband had to wrestle with his inner oppressor.

My husband was an incredibly jealous person back then, but he began to question its usefulness and purpose.

And efficacy.

That first romantic relationship of mine only lasted 10 months (though he remains one of my closest friends). Afterward, I didn’t actively seek another partner. I was hurting from the breakup and not in any rush to put my feelings on the line again. Still, I was happy knowing I had that freedom when the right person came along. 

Can you imagine being in the house as your wife mopes around because she broke up with her boyfriend?  How many times do you think she came up to him on the couch for a long, depressed embrace? Do you think she cried on his shoulder?

My boyfriend and I met through our leftist politics. We were members of the same organization. We built a friendship over a period of months, often sitting up talking until sunrise on my back porch. He hadn’t been familiar with polyamory before, though he said the idea made sense to him immediately.

I bet.

After we finally kissed for the first time, I forced myself to have an upfront conversation. Because polyamory don’t rely on familiar social scripts, it’s crucial to spell out terms and expectations rather than relying on assumptions.

This fetish of communication comes up so often in polyamory that I wonder if the conversations aren't the point of the whole thing. Can you imagine the interminable conversations that led up to that first kiss, probably all punctuated by awkward laughter? "I'm very interested in starting a relationship with you but I'm concerned that your husband will feel that we haven't known each other long enough. Henh-Henh."

When we talk about "polygamy," we're usually talking about a man with multiple wives sharing resources and producing lots of kids. "Polyamory," however, is usually woman-centered, maybe a single child conceived back when they were squares. Resources are shared, but not everyone's:

A year ago, my husband and I started looking to buy our first home, and we did so with the full intention that my boyfriend would come live with us.

It sounds like the boyfriend isn't contributing financially here. I hope he didn't get a vote on which house they chose, at least.

Every portrayal of polyamory I've seen always seems extremely emasculating. The problem is, I can never figure out which man is the most pathetic, the man browbeat into sharing his wife or the infiltrator who is so eager to get part-time lovin' from another man's woman. (I suspect that the original lothario is a special type of harvester who looks for low-hanging fruit among the neurotic and progressive. Probably an adjunct professor.) It certainly looks as though she's getting everything she wants out of it, though.

And my husband feels that he benefits a great deal from being non-monogamous. He is far more introverted than I am 

That explains a lot.

and knowing I have another partner to spend time with helps him to feel like it’s OK for him to spend time alone, or to turn down invitations to social events he once would have felt obligated to attend with me.---At least one night a week, the two of us stay up and do nothing but talk for hours and hours.

Great.

My boyfriend and I are planning a (non-legal) wedding ceremony next summer, and would likely legally marry if we could. 

What would that look like? Would the husband give her away? He'd probably have to stand fifteen feet away, looking on the happy couple with a simpering smile frozen on his face. Then, after the kiss, he joins them and it looks pretty much like this picture.

My partners are equally free to pursue other relationships, and both value that freedom a great deal.

Though there's no evidence that they have pursued other relationships. If I were wealthy and cruel, I'd like to hire an escort to pretend to fall in love with the husband and start a relationship with him. I have the feeling that, given the option of an attractive woman who wants a "normal" relationship, he'd find his testicles very quickly.

As to the writer's, er, unconventional looks, I have no comment. The non-progressive standard of chivalry forbids it.