Curious as to some in-the-moment behavior from The Atlantic's interviewee, polyamorist and lawyer Diana Adams, I watched her episode of MTV's True Life.
True Life, presented sporadically, is one of MTV's better shows, as least as little as I watch the network. I usually enjoy the program because it's an outpost of a diminishing genre, the cinema verite documentary. A documentary that isn't overloaded with narration and proselytizing is rare anymore.
The episode, like most of the series, revolves around two stories. In the first, a young Southern man is in a "triad," or relationship of three, with two other men. In the course of the show, he attempts to bring in a fourth member.
Diana Adams is a supporting character in the second story as the first lesbian relationship of new poly Kerry. The storyline follows Kerry as she entertains a new man in her life while remaining committed to Adams.
As it's practiced, polyamory seems to be a lot more hierarchical than the philosophy suggests. Adams is obviously the dominant partner over Kerry. Some of this is due to Kerry's youth (she's at least a half-decade younger than Adams at around 21) and being a poly neophyte.
More of it is due to Adams' skill. One short conversation is shown (Kerry reports that "a lot of brilliant feminist talk was cut") which is meant to be an example of the communication process needed. Kerry tells Adams, through giggles, that she's interested in a young man and that she wants to go on a date with him. Adams approves but she wants to meet him before they go out.
That, in itself, is oddly maternal, as it is when she inspects the boy and (half) jokingly says, "You'll have her back at midnight, right?" But she shows something more interesting when it's her turn to bring up an issue.
First she tells her that makes her feel a little jealous. It's striking that she doesn't say, "I'm feeling it but that's something that has to be overcome," or, "That's my problem but you should be aware of it." Instead, her statement sounds almost like a challenge.
It's a similar tactic to the "joke" she plays on the date. She puts something challenging on the table and then steps back to see how the person reacts. I feel this way and I feel this way because you do this. I want you to be aware of that. It's an emotional power-move--sometimes a quirk of personality but sometimes a tactic of dominance.
Adams follows the statement with a directive. Apparently, sometimes Kerry said to her that, if Adams were only a man, then their situation would be perfect. While this is understandably not a great thing to say, Adams then subtly threatens ending the relationship. She says that, since she is Kerry's first lesbian girlfriend, that she accepts that Kerry might not be ready for her. If that's the case, then she's willing to step back and just "be her friend."
It's all couched very nicely but firmly and directly. But I think that it highlights that polyamory seems to encourage a lot of polite teeth-baring. The fetish of communication creates an arena for the verbose to have a feeling-measuring contest.
For those that present their feelings the best--who have the most skill at justifying themselves--, it can be a chance to dominate others. The theory is that everyone shares and thus understands one another's feelings but the reality is that it can be a quiet argument over whose feelings are more legitimate.
Also a little disturbing is the knowledge that, while Kerry, a feminine and soft-spoken young girl, is new to the scene, Adams is not only experienced but entrenched in the poly social world, as well as having a long-term partner. The power difference is large and Adams' school-marm tone enhances this.
Watching polyamory in action reminds me that the reality is much different than the philosophy. In polyamorous thought, we can think of each individual as her own entity, making emotional connections of various intensities at will. The connections one makes need not have any bearing on any other connections--a partner needs to be aware of the others but contact is unimportant.
Over here in the real world, it's not a surprise that some are more dominant than others. But the polys seem to ignore the fact that their situations morph into a dysfunctional-family dynamic.
We see a bit of it with Kerry, but the gay triad shows the power dynamic more clearly. In that arrangement, our focus is Jim, who is frustrated because, even though all three of them live together, he is forced to sleep alone. It's not explicitly stated but Jim is the odd man out in the triad, with one man being the alpha and the other being a sort of pet, or taking a more feminine role.
It strikes me that it must be frustrating to think that one is entering this free, embracing world--a world in which you are liberated to love as many people as you want--and discover that you entering a commune as the least equal member.
Even worse, because you are the least dominant person in the group, your choices are more scrutinized and by more people than if one pursued serial monogamy. Adams insists on meeting Kerry's beau on their first date. Jim wants someone to sleep in the bed with him, so he finds a potential fourth member--over the dominant member's objections--and goes on a date with him secretly.
Bringing in another person seems to be a way for a less-dominant person to gain more power in the arrangement, at the very least by creating a crisis. He likes him better, so I'll bring in someone who likes me better and then our situation will be balanced. A case could be made that Adams attempts to dominate Kerry's date by having the group of them go to the queer club ("The She Dick") together and then join them at a tantric class (which isn't the least bit sexy). If you are interested in pursuing her, you will do it on my turf.
(We get to meet Ed Vessel, the poly-player we discussed yesterday--and, true to the emasculating nature of the philosophy, he spent some time wearing a skirt and enjoying a group hug.)
I don't think that the relationships on this show are anomalous--I think they're the norm. Feminine domination seems to be the name of the game, with their arsenal a stockpile of words and feelings and their defenses a pile of romantic options.
The episode was broadcast in 2009, reportedly after some delay. You can see Adams acting as a spokesman on The View last November. Sadly, she's hit the Wall and no longer comes off as the cool alternative chick she did five years ago. She brings up, again, her partner's relationships with hotter women in order to show how polys handle jealousy.
It seems like jealousy never stops bothering them, no matter how much they wish to "cultivate" compersion. Maybe it's all not as rational as they think...
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